Grief: The Unavoidable Companion of Missionary Kids (MKs)
By Sara Eggman
Why is understanding grief so important? It is important because grief is something that every missionary kid (MK) will encounter as they move and transition between their worlds.
In the Bible, we read about the grief that surrounded the death of Lazarus. His sisters were heartbroken. We even read that “Jesus wept.” Jesus knew the power that rested inside of him and the resurrection of Lazarus that would take place… yet he still wept. Jesus felt the pain of losing his friend. Jesus grieved with the others and acknowledged and related to their pain. His tears expressed “I loved this person too. They mattered. This person was important and he is missed.”
MKs lose their dearest friends, their beloved family, and their community. More than that, they lose their sense of belonging, their sense of being known, and their sense of competency. There are goodbye parties. There are farewells. However, what they can often feel is a need for a funeral. A funeral: helps us embrace the wonder of life and the loss of life, allows us to express our inner thoughts and feelings about it, brings people together in an atmosphere of love and support, encourages us to remember special memories, and ultimately helps us to truly acknowledge the reality that a life we loved is now gone. Too often in sad situations like death and loss we can be too quick to give out hope for the future. However, it is inappropriate and damaging to our spirit and our soul when we try to give hope without first grieving.
After weeping with the people of Judea Jesus gave them hope and went to finish his mission of waking Lazarus back up to life. We too can give hope and breathe resurrecting life into our MKs after we walk with them through a process of grieving.
Every missionary kid is unique as is each of their situations. Below are some helpful general suggestions of how we can help our MKs grieve.
1. Be available: Your MK cannot be forced or pressured into talking about their grief. They need us to be patient and be available to them. When they are ready to share they need us to be there and listen. This means they need access to us, and they need us to be physically and emotionally aware and present.
2. Comfort: Comfort is NOT encouragement. It is understanding. It is NOT trying to fix things. It is acknowledging and relating to them in their pain and anguish.
3. Don’t lecture: They do not need us to explain to them with reason or scripture why being on the mission field is important. This can be especially hard for us parents who are giving our lives to serve a greater cause such as finishing the great commission. When we do this we deny the validity of what our MK is feeling and can cause feelings of shame and guilt to rise.
4. Forgive and ask forgiveness: During this stressful time we can make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes we as parents have no idea what we’re doing though we are truly trying our best. When we know our children feel hurt by us or our actions, let’s restore relationship quickly. At this point it is not about who is “right or wrong.” It is about having a heart connection. Sometimes our kids can say some pretty hurtful things as they grieve. Let’s be honest…so can we! Let’s also extend extra grace and mercy to them and set the example in forgiveness.
5. Error on the assumption that you are always needed: Our MKs can withdraw. They can be aggressive. They can be ice cold. No matter how they choose to express themselves, the truth is: they desperately need you! Ask the Lord for wisdom. They will need space to process, but they also need us to passionately pursue them. Let’s be Jesus to them. Let the expression of our love communicate to them, “I am always here for you, you can always come to me, nothing you say or do will change my love for you, I will win your heart until the end.”
6. Be honest about your own grief: letting your children see you being sad gives them permission to express their own grief instead of hiding it behind other emotions. Share about the people, places and things you miss and how you feel about it. Show them how to give pain and grief to Jesus to carry and ask Him to heal your heart by filling it with his love, comfort, peace, and joy.
Recognizing their grief can be difficult. Often it looks like bad behavior such as ridiculous meltdowns and outbursts of anger. Other times it’s easy to recognize because it looks like deep sadness. Our son was 4 when he made his first transition and experienced this type of grief. Below are 3 examples of how he expressed grief.
Sadness
I found him in his room sobbing. He was sitting on his bed leaning over a memory book that our dear friends in Honduras made for us. He was looking at a picture of him with his best friend Connor. When I sat next to him we just embraced each other in a big bear hug and we cried there for about 30 minutes. The reality of our mobile life and what that meant for my child hit me so hard. There was nothing I could say to make it better. After crying we talked about how much we missed our friends and made ourselves hot cocoa to help with the pain.
Anger
A few months later it seemed that everywhere we went our son, was having an extremely difficult time playing nicely with other children. He is kind and such a great sharer! Suddenly he was super aggressive verbally and physically. Borderline bully. When we got to the bottom of the issue I learned that he felt divided loyalties. A very common trait for missionary kids. He felt like if he made new best friends in America it meant he was forgetting his best friends in Honduras. We are still daily working through these divided loyalties.
Overreactions/Meltdowns
Just 2 months ago we were visiting dear ministry partners of ours. They had a cute puppy they wanted to rehome. When it was time to go, innocently they joked saying, “Please take that puppy! We want to give this puppy away!” Our son got excited and took them seriously. We explained they were just joking and that we couldn’t take this puppy on our flight back to Texas the next day. A major meltdown proceeded. As we were driving away our son was uncontrollably crying “Kibbles!” Kibbles was the name of our dog in Honduras that we left. This moment triggered his unresolved grief for his beloved pet. His overreaction and meltdown was about Kibbles, not this puppy he had played with for only 2 hours.
Our kids are different from the norm and therefore need us to be aware and sensitive to their life circumstances. We need God to help guide us and show us what behavior is rebellious and what behavior is just masked pain and grief. Pray that the Lord will show you when it’s time to discipline and when it’s time to have compassion and comfort. We want to cultivate a strong connection with our missionary kids so that they can feel safe to grieve, safe to talk to us, and safe to be themselves. When we do this we are intentionally creating an environment for honesty and openness. This is vital in being able to guide them through their third culture kid journey and for them to thrive.